Sparkles

Soon or later, I have to die. 

Don't come near me if you can't treat me right. 
Don't play with me if you can control yourself. 
I feel like an idiot with or without you already. 
I'm always busy looking for my own peace of mind. 
Do you see sparkles in me? Do you?


This is also a note from my old diary.

Endlessly rehearsing what you wanted to say when it's too late?

Life changes a lot depending on your health, passion, ambitions, friends and people you meet.

If you are healthy, you can really do anything.

I learnt languages (English, Korean, Chinese, Spanish) at the age of 12 on my own will.

Because I knew that I would be an influential musician and change the world so I was passionate to learn anything for my purpose to live.
Yes, I wanted to make a world peace and lives fair. And I believed that I could change the world.

I screwed for some serious health problems though...

Life is almost all about the timing and how you see the world/things, isn't it?

Life itself even changes its own way for good or bad and even for the best or the worst depending on the timing.

I don't wanna regret for doing nothing.

I don't wanna endlessly rehearse what I should have or would have said to someone before it's too late when it's too late.

Depending on the timing, you can even get everything or lose everything.

You know what?

You almost had me but you lost me.

See beyond the obvious...

See?

Decipher The Life

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
It really made sense to me now.

Rhapsody

Trouble is good when you are the trouble.
But it's not as good as it sounds when you are in trouble.
It's like I wanna play the rhapsody but I'm just some notes of the music.
I know you can't play the music without any notes but I prefer to play it and conduct it.
I feel like being a melody right now so I go for some harmony though. I must be tired.

Memories are good when it's beautiful in the past.
But no one knows the truth when someone repaints it.
It's like a nightmare if you lose to it and become a shadow drowning in the past.
I am here in the present because I learn on the way to the futures.
Yes, I move on. I won't run after my yester days anymore.

But Where Is My Love?

I'm free.
Free to flirt and free to fall.

But where are you?

Trap me.
Steal my heart and breath away.

I need someone to knock me out and wake me up.


I don't remember when I wrote this. Probably when I was a teenager.
But these words came up in my mind now again and it painflly makes sense again.

It's all about HEALTH.

Seriously, if you are healthy, you really can do anything.

Today, I was a happiest girl in the world.
Today, I was too happy for the words.
And from now on, I will be the happiest girl (although I'm too old to be called a girl...) in my life, and I'll be too happy for the words.

I'm not used to feel my body this light so I'm still stuck in my sick habits not knowing what to do with this light body all alone though.
But I know I don't need to be in bed forever so I will start from washing my face everyday in the morning and go out at least once a day even for a little walk for myself.
Even if it's all by myself, how exciting is that?!?!?!?

Although I can't change the past, I can change my empty life that I had to lead from now.
And I hope I can make some friends very soon!

恋が終わって、

一度でも命懸けの恋をして、自分の中に溢れた狂気的な情熱を覚えている以上、 なかなか恋と思える感情には出逢えない。

狂気的だった10代以来、夢中になった。

付き合うとか、別れるとか、そんな定義なんてどうでもいい。

恋なんて、始まるか、終わるか。
私にとってはそれだけでしかない。

錯覚でも、現実でも、そんなこともどうでもいい。
私にとっては、今、感じることが全て。

突然、理由も分からないまま、突き放された。
脳が異常反応を起こして、状況を理解しようと必死になって、錯乱の舞に陥った。

錯覚。盲目。立場逆転。暴走。誤爆。

まさか自分が、この相手にこんな風になるなんて思いもしなかった。
思い込みや錯覚も時には素晴らしい幻想。

人生において、恋って大切。
恋をするって素晴らしい。

私も、まだこんな想いになれるんだってことを気付かせてくれた。

悲しくても、こんな想いにさせてもらえたことに感謝。
素敵な人に一瞬でも興味を持ってもらえたことに感謝。

一定の期間なら、回想し、物思いにふけて、泣くのもいい。

無意識の内に陥った禁断の期待の幻想から覚めないでいる。
突然の終止符に、余計に覚めないでいるのかも知れない。

でも、ずっとそのままじゃみっともない。

恋だけに生きる人なんて興味ない。

凛とした自分自身を取り戻し、人生に対する志と情熱を一杯に生きている方が素敵。

人生、自分が生きる為にあるんだもん。

様々な想いや感情、状況や変化に、振り回されるのも、振り回されないのも、全て自分の選択。

私は自分の人生を彩って生きてみせる。


だから、本当に健康になって、私の体。。。

Mental Bullshit

When I answered a phone call from someone and said hello, the first thing he said was "Eh? Are you dying?" *_*
I didn't know my voice was getting that weaker since I hadn't even said a word for a while.

Nobody knows what I've been dealing with...

But he told me "Don't lose to that mental bullshit. We all go through it!"
Yes... Life goes on and people move on.
It's a well known fact but the words touched my heart and I startled back.

I need some time and distractions.
But I know that the time will tell then I'll be fine.

I believe...

I believe in the beuty of the inperfection.
I believe in the Evanescent Beauty of the moments with Eternal Love.

Affirmation

I expect nothing but I appreciate everything.

Tears

Sleep with tears, wake up with tears, killing times with tears...

I have cried so many times already this year. I don't think I cried more than a few times last year though it's been a bit different. Maybe it's because it's a brand new decade, I was expecting and I believed that I could change my life for the better from this year. But all I have to do and all I can do is still just accept the reality, deal with the illness and wait until I get better. Same thing again. And again and again and again.

Will I ever get healthy enough to live my life?
I don't really like people who like "if", "would have", "could have", and "should have"s. But my life would have been a lot different if I were healthy.
I had so many dreams that I could have make them come true. I had so much stuff that I wanted to achieve in my life. I just wanted to live my life vividly.
I know I'm stupid to think this way and I thought I'd be more stupid if I'd say it aloud. But I couldn't help it now.

Am I done?

No I'm not done yet.
I had tons of stuff that I wanted to achieve in my life.

But today is the first day of the rest of your life.
What do you wanna do?

I wanna go home...
I miss my mother...
I don't have a home or family to come back though...
I just wanna disappear...
I can't take this anymore.....

Handle Myself

Misunderstandings and frustrations are great causes of depression that can ruin such a beautiful day.
I made myself numb to be and live strong as a teenager. Yet it's not enough.
I still let myself ruin my days and nights for a tiny simple word even if I wake up laughing in the morning.
I'm quite an impulsive person so I can't wait. When I react, I think and I try to deal with my reactions and I take actions to make some moves. But when I react and I am taken over by my reaction, I become hyper and I don't think I'm thinking effectively nor properly.
I believe that I'm strong enough not to feel anything sometimes. But I can't control or handle myself.
I need to be more strong not to taken over by my reaction.
I need to learn to control and handle myself not to ruin things I don't want to ruin.

Love

When you fall, you fall...

I've been saying this for years.....

I wanna fall in love....