It's all about HEALTH.

Seriously, if you are healthy, you really can do anything.

Today, I was a happiest girl in the world.
Today, I was too happy for the words.
And from now on, I will be the happiest girl (although I'm too old to be called a girl...) in my life, and I'll be too happy for the words.

I'm not used to feel my body this light so I'm still stuck in my sick habits not knowing what to do with this light body all alone though.
But I know I don't need to be in bed forever so I will start from washing my face everyday in the morning and go out at least once a day even for a little walk for myself.
Even if it's all by myself, how exciting is that?!?!?!?

Although I can't change the past, I can change my empty life that I had to lead from now.
And I hope I can make some friends very soon!

恋が終わって、

一度でも命懸けの恋をして、自分の中に溢れた狂気的な情熱を覚えている以上、 なかなか恋と思える感情には出逢えない。

狂気的だった10代以来、夢中になった。

付き合うとか、別れるとか、そんな定義なんてどうでもいい。

恋なんて、始まるか、終わるか。
私にとってはそれだけでしかない。

錯覚でも、現実でも、そんなこともどうでもいい。
私にとっては、今、感じることが全て。

突然、理由も分からないまま、突き放された。
脳が異常反応を起こして、状況を理解しようと必死になって、錯乱の舞に陥った。

錯覚。盲目。立場逆転。暴走。誤爆。

まさか自分が、この相手にこんな風になるなんて思いもしなかった。
思い込みや錯覚も時には素晴らしい幻想。

人生において、恋って大切。
恋をするって素晴らしい。

私も、まだこんな想いになれるんだってことを気付かせてくれた。

悲しくても、こんな想いにさせてもらえたことに感謝。
素敵な人に一瞬でも興味を持ってもらえたことに感謝。

一定の期間なら、回想し、物思いにふけて、泣くのもいい。

無意識の内に陥った禁断の期待の幻想から覚めないでいる。
突然の終止符に、余計に覚めないでいるのかも知れない。

でも、ずっとそのままじゃみっともない。

恋だけに生きる人なんて興味ない。

凛とした自分自身を取り戻し、人生に対する志と情熱を一杯に生きている方が素敵。

人生、自分が生きる為にあるんだもん。

様々な想いや感情、状況や変化に、振り回されるのも、振り回されないのも、全て自分の選択。

私は自分の人生を彩って生きてみせる。


だから、本当に健康になって、私の体。。。

Mental Bullshit

When I answered a phone call from someone and said hello, the first thing he said was "Eh? Are you dying?" *_*
I didn't know my voice was getting that weaker since I hadn't even said a word for a while.

Nobody knows what I've been dealing with...

But he told me "Don't lose to that mental bullshit. We all go through it!"
Yes... Life goes on and people move on.
It's a well known fact but the words touched my heart and I startled back.

I need some time and distractions.
But I know that the time will tell then I'll be fine.

I believe...

I believe in the beuty of the inperfection.
I believe in the Evanescent Beauty of the moments with Eternal Love.

Affirmation

I expect nothing but I appreciate everything.

Tears

Sleep with tears, wake up with tears, killing times with tears...

I have cried so many times already this year. I don't think I cried more than a few times last year though it's been a bit different. Maybe it's because it's a brand new decade, I was expecting and I believed that I could change my life for the better from this year. But all I have to do and all I can do is still just accept the reality, deal with the illness and wait until I get better. Same thing again. And again and again and again.

Will I ever get healthy enough to live my life?
I don't really like people who like "if", "would have", "could have", and "should have"s. But my life would have been a lot different if I were healthy.
I had so many dreams that I could have make them come true. I had so much stuff that I wanted to achieve in my life. I just wanted to live my life vividly.
I know I'm stupid to think this way and I thought I'd be more stupid if I'd say it aloud. But I couldn't help it now.

Am I done?

No I'm not done yet.
I had tons of stuff that I wanted to achieve in my life.

But today is the first day of the rest of your life.
What do you wanna do?

I wanna go home...
I miss my mother...
I don't have a home or family to come back though...
I just wanna disappear...
I can't take this anymore.....