Tears

Sleep with tears, wake up with tears, killing times with tears...

I have cried so many times already this year. I don't think I cried more than a few times last year though it's been a bit different. Maybe it's because it's a brand new decade, I was expecting and I believed that I could change my life for the better from this year. But all I have to do and all I can do is still just accept the reality, deal with the illness and wait until I get better. Same thing again. And again and again and again.

Will I ever get healthy enough to live my life?
I don't really like people who like "if", "would have", "could have", and "should have"s. But my life would have been a lot different if I were healthy.
I had so many dreams that I could have make them come true. I had so much stuff that I wanted to achieve in my life. I just wanted to live my life vividly.
I know I'm stupid to think this way and I thought I'd be more stupid if I'd say it aloud. But I couldn't help it now.

Am I done?

No I'm not done yet.
I had tons of stuff that I wanted to achieve in my life.

But today is the first day of the rest of your life.
What do you wanna do?

I wanna go home...
I miss my mother...
I don't have a home or family to come back though...
I just wanna disappear...
I can't take this anymore.....

Handle Myself

Misunderstandings and frustrations are great causes of depression that can ruin such a beautiful day.
I made myself numb to be and live strong as a teenager. Yet it's not enough.
I still let myself ruin my days and nights for a tiny simple word even if I wake up laughing in the morning.
I'm quite an impulsive person so I can't wait. When I react, I think and I try to deal with my reactions and I take actions to make some moves. But when I react and I am taken over by my reaction, I become hyper and I don't think I'm thinking effectively nor properly.
I believe that I'm strong enough not to feel anything sometimes. But I can't control or handle myself.
I need to be more strong not to taken over by my reaction.
I need to learn to control and handle myself not to ruin things I don't want to ruin.

Love

When you fall, you fall...

I've been saying this for years.....

I wanna fall in love....